Bemusing Ideas on Beltane (Part 1)

        Anyone who has read my blogs is probably wondering where the hell I've been reading this post. It's been years. My only means of explaining is that relationships can be very time consuming. When they end, it takes time to find direction and meaning again outside of that coupling. How do I bring you all up to speed? At this point I'm not really sure... I write more for me than for others and, though I'm about a journeyman level writer, I know there are many others with a gift for this medium of expression that I will never achieve. So, if you can withstand my excuse for a style, I'll do my best over the next few postings.

        It's a strange coincidence that I begin my road back to blogging on what would have been my mothers 80th birthday. I find at these times that I have a deep pool of self-pity at I could easily dive into but then I do my best to just dip a toe into the vast sea of despair that I have stored inside and come to the realization that it doesn't feel that good.... Like a euphoric drug with really bad side effects. There's a strange evolution that has manifest itself in me psyche lately: I find the older I am the less I like being alone with the concomitant feeling that the older I get the less I like most people. A bit of a mystery wrapped in a conundrum. Oh well...

        To add to the paradox, I keep getting envious of seeing my friends and their relationships but when I get in one, they invariably seem to last only a few years then fall apart. I seem to attract people who are somewhat broken. We get to know each other, we develop feelings, and I gloss over their failings figuring mine are just as bad so why be too harsh a judge. Then a few months to a year later, it all starts to fall apart and I start to think I would have been better going to Nevada and satisfying my carnal appetites that way as it would cost me less in the end in terms of money and emotions. Then I begin to ponder everything I experienced and the cycle starts all over again. This has led me to a conclusion: We are all broken people. Some of us are slightly chipped or perhaps show a small fracture line while others are completely shattered. Some of us will heal, others will be a tragic pile of detritus of a life. If you are going to be involved with people, in the end, you have to be a very discriminating judge and be willing to learn to be with yourself, perhaps with few friends, and walk through this life as integrated a person as life and time allows. I know, it sucks but no one ever promised that reality would be anything but what it is... Real.